Why hello again, it's your fidgety itchy-footed friend with another insomniac message. I'm going to start with a bang of a statement and say that the past six months have been some of the most enlightening months of the 479 I've lived so far. Whoppah!
No, I haven't experienced a religious stirring nor have I trancsended to a higher level of consciousness. Rather it all started with a near nervous breakdown soon after my previous post. Without going into too much detail, I found myself in quite a muddle with my many, many, many thoughts and with stress levels flying off into the great unknown. And before I could say "bonkers" I found myself sitting in a comfortable chair, in front of a very understanding lady, grasping a tissue in one hand and a cheque in the other... Welcome to the world of therapy.
It seems that I had a LOT to say, and after several months of talking about myself (and with the risk of sounding self absorbed, it's been wonderful to just focus on the Number One guilt-free with no need for reciprocity!) I realised two simple but somewhat life-changing things. First was what kind of a person I really am, quickly followed by the logical conclusion that I am not where I want to be.
Well, what can I say. I won't go into much detail about my existential discovery... May I offer you some wanderlust with a sprinkle of melancholy, followed by sweet impatience laden with a generous helping of dark humour? No? Well, that's what you're getting. I am what I am, and I'm good with it.
So, I realised I can't change who I am; I can only modify my behaviour. And that, my friends, is when I eventually found where I want to be. Oh yes.
It started with a plan to live part of the year away from London and the UK. I thought that what I need was physical and geographical space, and planned to work remotely from Finland a few months over the next year. What a liberating though to someone like me, for whom staying put can be a major struggle! Yes, I thought, that is me. On the go, free, emancipated from the confines of the rat race. But as I looked deeper into the practicalities of working remotely I noticed that my plans didn't really include any of the work bit. Curious, eh? So with that realisation came the question why my work wasn't featuring in any of these plans I'd been making, and the answer came to me like a bolt of lightning: I don't actually like what I do! Be it in Finland or the UK. This then led me to ask myself what it is that I do want to do, and to my surprise all I could tink about was language, speech, social work, caring, helping. Not fly, leave, travel, explore. Wow, I wasn't expecting that! With quite a bit of further digging and research I have come to apply to university to do a postgraduate diploma in Speech and Language Therapy. It is something I had thought of before but didn't think I would be able to do due to a) it bein indulgent, having a Masters degree already, b) being old (or "mature" as they say rather kindly in all the prospectuses ...ha! Little do they know...) and c) well, it just didn't occur to me that I could do it. Everything I've done, my persona, my life experience, my interests, everything has pointed to this one obvious thing I should do. There have been so many signs, and I've just not seen them. What waste! Like throwing a frisbee to a blind dog.
Phew. Enough. Now you know. Now I know. It's off my chest. Perhaps in the next blog text I will talk about the actual plans and what I am doing to make this dream happen. It may not! But for now. Now I'm just so very happy and grateful to have goal - even if it means that I will have to stay put for a loooong while. I guess it remains to be seen how well this restless soul can hack it... Best start booking those flights already now!
